Nightmares
    For a period of a couple months last year, most of my nightmares involved a dead body. Always a body. Never in my dream was the owner of the corpse actually alive; it always takes place after the death. I didn't even kill the person, and I have no idea who did, but that part doesn't matter. The murder isn't the scary part- it's the guilt and anxiety that comes with the mere presence of a lifeless body. How can one get rid of a human corpse without potentially getting caught? Bury it? Where- in the back yard? Without being seen by neighbors? Hardly. What then- stuff it in the trunk, the car, take it somewhere else? And if someone sees you or you get pulled over? That's a big risk. You can't just put it anywhere. You can't just keep it at home; it'll rot. Burning it is worse. Anyway, how could we ever do that in the safety of our homes; just think of the smell. The humanity of the dead person was never actually something my sleeping self was concerned with, which I realize is odd. But the corpse is an object that my brain somehow associates with secrets and the prospect of them being unveiled is what makes me afraid.
    In one of my dreams the cadaver lays on the floor in my family's kitchen, off to the side so it isn't in anyone's way. My entire family is aware of its presence, but there seems to be some unspoken agreement to ignore it. We all know something has to be done about it, but do nothing, meanwhile praying that no one comes to the door, because if they did they would see the corpse. And then- who knows? Whether or not any of us were guilty of anything, simply being in possession of a rotting corpse is... condemning.
    Another dream (possibly a continuation of the latter) occurs in my back yard and is centered, once again, around a dead body- a full grown man's if that's helpful. My dad decides finally that something has to be done with it. He calls my brother and me over and tells us that he wants us to take the body away. Obviously, however, two kids carrying a body shaped bag would be very suspicious. So, naturally, he chops it up. Then we stuff the dismembered parts in different bags, and he tells us where to take it- behind the Kmart a few blocks away (random yes but hey it is a dream after all). The horrifying part of all this to me however is not the gore from the body or my dad with a fricking a blood-stained ax, but the mere prospect of walking the streets holding those wretched bags. A lump formed in my throat at the thought of someone approaching us on the road and saying, "Hey, watcha got in those bags?" Or what if we made it to the Kmart and successfully left the evidence, but someone saw us? And, upon checking the bags, they called the police? I just wanted it all to be over. However I woke up just as my brother and I were setting off to commit the horrible deed.
    People always say dreams mean things, right? Like, if you dream about being chased in a dream, it could mean you are, I don't know, avoiding responsibilities. So, am I afraid of being caught? I mean, I haven't done anything that I can think of, but maybe it's just being caught in general. It may sound lame, but I've always had so much anxiety about being in trouble for doing something wrong. Not the sin itself, but the consequences. Well, obviously I have a conscience and I still feel guilty about things even when no one knows, but that disapproving (or worse-disappointed) glare from a teacher or parent hurts the most. I guess I care too much what other people think of me. I have no idea what those dreams meant, if they meant anything at all.
     Anyway, I am going to end this post now because it is way longer than I ever intended it to be, and it was probably really boring and long winded and no one will ever read it anyway but at least I got some of those weird ass dreams off of my chest.